Shy and Free™
You are more than your shyness.
While studying the following principles that transform shyness, notice when you feel "Sure, I know that", "I have heard that before", and also notice where you strongly disagree. These principles are all truths that can be proven by you in your own life.
Sometimes we hold beliefs that are not really ours, and that are in other people’s best interest. Sometimes we hold on to beliefs from childhood which go unquestioned and for which we are not aware.
Question any belief that is not positive and life affirming . . . including beliefs about shyness.
Understanding the following principles is the first step in becoming Shy and Free which means being free to be your true self.
You are on a personal quest and do not need to understand every principle which follows, only the one(s) which you are drawn to at this point in your unique journey.
You are not like everyone else.
Current studies (Elaine Aron PH.D. 1996) show that approximately 20 percent of the population is "shy" or "sensitive". Amazingly, older studies (Grant Study 1938-1942) show the same 20 percent results. Even more amazingly, studies reveal that within each animal species such as sun fish, 20 percent are also shy (Aron 1996) (the shy fish were less likely to be caught and more likely to live long lives and have many offspring).
It seems then that "shyness" is a survival mechanism --- for the individual --- and for the entire population. Perhaps for humanity, “shyness” is also an evolutionary mechanism because people who are "shy" also tend to be searching for truth; people of high integrity; leaders by example; thinkers; advisors; healers; compassionate; fair; and have many other positive qualities and have many positive impacts on society. Shy people are greatly needed by the world!
Why do many shy people feel bad about their shyness? It is easy to feel bad when you appear different than other people because we assume different means something wrong. People who are shy have a special issue in that it is difficult to connect with other people of similar natures because shy people generally keep to themselves or a small group of close friends. The chances of meeting and getting to know someone who is shy is actually much smaller than the 20 percent figure would seem to indicate. Think about it, as a shy person, how many new people do you come in contact with each day and how approachable are you to a potential friend? Even though there are actually millions of people of a similar shy nature, the shy person’s experience of the world is that everyone else seems different than them.
To make matters even more challenging, not only are 80 percent of the population different than them, but 42 percent of the population is totally the opposite --- insensitive, without the ability to understand how their words and actions effect someone else (Aron 1996). To a shy/sensitive person this is completely unimaginable and meeting such people on a regular basis, in such stark contrast to themselves, only serves to reinforce self-protecting behavior.
What will help a shy person feel better? Realize that you will need to meet many people before you find someone of a similar nature (20,30,40,50+). Seek out groups and organizations that attract caring, sensitive people as this will increase you chances of meeting people of a similar nature. Learn to quickly remove yourself from an insensitive, unfriendly situation so that you can maintain your energy and remain open to more compatible people. Also realize that balance is important, and that having friends who are less sensitive can be mutually beneficial.
Parts of you are adventurous, powerful, patient, responsible, expressive, creative, original, honest, wise, judging, sensitive and shy. All of these parts have a positive intention.
A simple question proves you are more than your shyness: What part of you wants to change?
It can’t be the shy part, why would this part want to change? If it is not the shy part that wants to change, then there must be other parts that are longing to be set free.
We can see ourselves as shy because we are too identified with the shy part and not identified enough with other parts of ourselves.
Sometimes, the more you try to change your shyness, the stronger it becomes.
Real change happens by freeing the other parts of you, not by trying to change or get rid of your shyness.
There is also a center part, the real you. This center part is in touch will all the other parts of you and enacts your highest interest. Imagine being in touch will all parts of you and being able to call on the appropriate part at will. Being centered in this way gives you freedom to live your life purpose and be happy.
Shyness is serving you.
Shyness is acting in what is perceived as your best interest. You are being protected from being hurt emotionally and/or physically. You may feel that you do not need this protection, but part of you feels strongly that it is not safe and that protection is necessary otherwise, other parts of yourself would be free to express themselves.
The shy part is currently the strongest part of you and this can change once safety is created.
Sometimes, behaviors from the past continue until proof exists that is it now safe.
External safety is only part of the issue, we must also feel safe within ourselves.
When you feel safe you do not feel shy.
You are shy only when you do not feel safe. It is important to seek out and create safe environments in order to experience the non-shy parts of yourself. A safe environment is one where you can be completely yourself without fear of judgment or negative consequences.
A safe environment permits you to explore the many parts of yourself as you are much more than your shyness.
Work, school, social activities, family, and some friendships can feel unsafe. If you are afraid of being judged or afraid for any reason, then it is not a safe environment for you.
Some of us have lived in unsafe environments for so long that we do not even recognize that feeling comfortable is natural and possible.
Begin by creating or recognizing one safe environment in your life. Maybe you have a friend with who you can be yourself. Sometimes creating a safe place within ourselves is important in order to protect ourselves from unending self-criticism.
There are many groups and seminars which create safe environments. Check the Resources page for suggestions.
Therapy is also one way to create safety in your life. A good therapist creates a completely safe environment in which you are free to explore the many parts of yourself.
Safety can also be created by changing the expectations you have of yourself. Realizing that is OK to have flaws and that you can create success at every moment through self-acceptance are keys to being safe regardless of the circumstances.
Once you create a safe environment in your life, you will see that you are able to be more yourself when you feel safe. You will discover brave, courageous, charming, funny and many other parts of yourself. These parts can be overshadowed by the shy part when you feel unsafe.
Recognizing shyness as an inner guide for creating safety will help you find happiness and your true self.
Please note that creating safety does not mean “playing it safe”, it means the opposite, creating the right situation, frame of mind, friends, or whatever it takes to get you to take one step toward what you would really like to do.
You are responsible for your actions, not your feelings.
Many of us are driven by wanting to get rid of certain uncomfortable feelings. While it seems logical to remove what is hurting, it implies that there is something wrong which needs removal before our lives will be OK.
The fact is that no one can control their feelings. Many well meaning people tell us not to feel shy and that we “should not feel that way”.
Your feelings are not within your control, only your actions are.
Trying not to feel shy leads you to trying not to feel at all. Stuffing feelings can lead to a variety of problems such as compulsion, obsession, addiction and withdrawal from others. Trying not to feel shy does not lead to a solution.
If a huge elephant were charging toward you, it is natural to feel fear and this feeling can not be controlled. What can be controlled is what we do with the fear, our actions. We can choose to run, hide, or outsmart the elephant. We can feel fear and still act in ways to protect ourselves.
Maybe if we had allowed ourselves to experience charging elephants 100 times, and had lived to tell about it, our fear would be greatly reduced. We would still feel fear and we would know what to do because of our experience.
Many shy people do not allow themselves to experience the fear. Experiencing the fear is necessary in order to learn that it is natural to feel fear and amazingly rewarding to feel the fear and take appropriate, life-affirming action . . . to be Shy and Free.
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Being out of balance is a strong tendency today. We tend to focus on what we enjoy, what has worked in the past, what earns money, what helps us to escape, what is easy, or what others around us do. Being out of balance leads to being stuck.
When stuck in the mind we live in the past and future not enjoying the present moment.
When stuck in the body our desires rule and limit our lives.
When stuck in Spirit our dreams go unfulfilled.
When we ignore the mind we feel inadequate.
When we ignore the body we feel cutoff from the world and our own feelings.
When we ignore the Spirit we feel hollow and without meaning.
True happiness does not come from excelling only in one area. True happiness, infinite energy, and the ability to create come from balancing the Mind, Body, and Spirit.
True lasting success and transformation are created from balance.
Success is available every moment.
You can experience success in every moment. We tend to judge ourselves much more harshly than others judge us . . . after all, we know all of our weakness and we also, deep down, know our possibilities.
The first step is to redefine success. If the goal is to meet someone then any step in that direction is a success. If you would like to attend social events but feel uncomfortable then success would be "simply" showing up. Only someone who is shy can understand how difficult it can be to "simply" attend any social function event and how easy it is to not attend.
"Failure" is the natural way to learn so give yourself permission to fail, make mistakes, and even to make a fool of yourself . . . as these are the keys to success.
Your beliefs create your reality.
When we are children, our beliefs are formed from our experiences, our parents, family members, friends, and schoolmates. This is natural and OK for children as it helps them to learn the ways of the world and society.
Limitations, false beliefs, and fear are also learned as children.
When we are older we assume the same is true, that our experiences create our beliefs and that this is how we will continue to learn. We also believe the limitations and fear, and false beliefs from childhood.
Little do we realize that when we become adults, the reverse is actually true ... That our beliefs now create our experiences … yet we continue to create the same reality formed from the beliefs of our childhood.
For example, if we believe shyness is something to be ashamed of, then we will experience embarrassment from our shyness. If however we believe our shyness is a source of mystery, we may create a mystic about ourselves that will impact some people in a positive way.
We can each create a ritual or rite of passage for ourselves, one that marks a turning point in our lives --- one that demonstrates that from this moment on We create reality from our beliefs.
Realizing our beliefs create our reality gives us the power to change reality by changing our beliefs and actions.
Nothing is wrong with you.
Currently, shyness seems overwhelming and is leading you because of your preoccupation that something is wrong with you. If only you could fix, change, or somehow be different you think: all would be well.
There is nothing wrong with you, in fact, once you learn to trust and listen to your shyness instead of condemning it, you will recognize that all parts of you are necessary to be a whole, complete person.
You are loved for your flaws.
For me, "You are loved for your flaws" was best demonstrated first in a Public TV movie about a perfect child (it was over 10 years ago so I don't remember the name) and again in the book "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott.
In the movie about the perfect child, everyone began to dislike a boy because he was perfect. Being perfect, he could not tell a lie (or bend the truth to save someone's feelings). Being perfect was equated with being a robot and it is hard to love a robot because his perfection basically told everyone else, “I don't need you.”
We all have strengths and weaknesses and it is the using of our strengths to help others where they may be weak that makes for a loving and compassionate world.
In the book "Bird by Bird" Anne writes "You are loved for your flaws, not your perfection." She writes about how our quirks are what endear us to others. It is the quirks that people remember. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone were the same.
In childhood, many of us had significant others trying to change our "flaws" but we did not easily bend to correct them. First, acceptance of you the way you are, "flaws" and all, is required and with that loving acceptance, change can occur when it is appropriate and desired.
It is important to keep in mind that the idea of perfection is different between cultures and that people's ideas of perfection change.
Shyness to one person may signify weakness, yet to someone else mystery, charm, elusiveness, kindness, or respect.
What really is a flaw? Take laziness for example. To some people laziness may be seen as a flaw. Other people may see laziness differently: Perhaps the person is always looking for the most efficient way to do something (very valuable in the business world); Perhaps the person has learned how to get by with the least effort (and those who see him as lazy are unknowingly jealous); Perhaps the person just has different values as to what is important in life such as relaxing, and spending time with family and friends.
I am continually amazed how my wife finds "cute" things about my looks --- things I (and others) consider flaws.
In this moment, we are all perfect. Yes we all have things to work on, but in this moment, we are all perfect in our imperfections.
Extraordinary effort is required.
Ordinary effort alone is not enough to transform shyness. Ordinary effort gives you ordinary results. You need tools, techniques, and help from others. Gurdjieff said that unless we take extraordinary effort, we will quickly return to a robot-like self.
You are as important as anyone else.
We all have gifts and talents to contribute to the world (you will discover them if you have not yet). No one has the right to judge our gifts and talents. Maybe we are artists, poets, thinkers, listeners, observers, or maybe we have indefinable abilities not yet valued or understood in our society.
We can feel bad when we compare ourselves to others... there is always someone better looking, smarter or stronger. We forget that there are others who are less fortunate than us in many ways.
The fact is that no one else has your unique combination of gifts, talents, and potential. It is up to each of us to learn to appreciate ourselves; discover the treasures which are inside; and share our treasures with others we choose.
Regardless of anyone’s degree, position, or looks --- you have every right to look them in the eye as an equal.
Not everyone was meant to be your friend or partner.
We can not control how others feel about us or how we feel about them. When seeking connections with others that we all yearn for, it is important to recognize that not everyone will feel the same way toward us as we feel toward them.
Most people are indifferent towards each other. It is OK that not everyone is attracted to you.
Shy people are often attracted to those who do not return the affection which is a very painful way of creating safety.
Mutual love and affection is a gift from the universe and can not be controlled or manipulated.
Cartoons by David H Bailey © 1998
Obsession is a sign telling you to let go
In my own experience with shyness, obsession has been present. Perhaps people who have such rich inner lives and poorer outer ones (work, friends, partners) due to shyness desperately seek the outer but often get stuck in the inner.
For me in my early twenties, I used work and my obsession with computers to avoid dating and social activities. Occasionally my obsession would shift from computers to a woman who was unavailable to me. I would imagine asking her out, dating, getting married, and having kids --- all sorts of things without even speaking to her in more than a passing way.
Neither the computer obsession, nor the obsession with unavailable women served me well. I felt that I was not good enough, so I always worked harder at my job for fear of failing. When I was interested in someone, I would hallucinate that this was the only chance I would ever have and that I was not ready. My life was full of anxiety and insecurity.
I noticed that when I let go of my obsession with work, often very creative solutions to work issues came to me with little effort. I noticed that when I could let go of my obsession with an unavailable woman, a more positive dating experience would present itself.
Obsession is different than passion because obsession is single minded and blocks other areas of your life. Passion, on the other hand, can be felt and expressed in many parts of your life. You can be passionate about your career and about your relationship and about music, for example.
On the surface, obsession seems to be serving us by trying to get us what we want, but in reality, obsession is a way of escaping. Obsession is used as a way of beating ourselves up, as we continually suffer from not having what we want, while at the same time, we are totally engrossed in either seeking or avoiding it.
When you realize you are obsessed:1) Figure out what is going on. Are you escaping from something? What is it that you really want? Do you want a relationship, creative expression or something else?2) Let go of the obsession. If what we are obsessed with is meant to be it will happen and obsession will only scare it away. Letting go makes room for what you really want to come into your life.
Obsession points the way to what is important ---such as a creative job or a relationship. It is what the object of your obsession represents that is important, not the particular object of obsession. If you are obsessed with a person, what you really want are the ideals personified. If you are obsessed with work, you may really be seeking a creative outlet that your current work is not fulfilling or you could be escaping other areas of your life. Let go of the obsession to make room for what you really want.
More to come.
Copyright © 1997-2007 by Kevin Rhea. All rights reserved.
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